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Biting my fingernails

When you bite your fingernails, you really bite yourself. You bite down on yourself. You bite down. You make yourself small. You use in order to channel your fear of your own greatness. Look at each moment, when you have been biting your fingernails: there has always been a joy in your heart. It happens when you are relaxed. When you have some time to yourself. When you feel you have achieved something. When the things you have done have come to fruit. When you have finished a chore you did not like or for some other reason experience joy, however slight, in your heart. So biting your nails is a good sign first and foremost. It shows you are in a state of happiness and self respect.

But it is this self respect you find hard to bear. Biting your fingernails is like the starting signal that ushers in a whole slew of counter reactions, that wish to regain an “equilibrium” of self-distrust. Distrust of yourself is your major weapon against yourself. Not trusting in your actions. Not trusting your achievements. Biting your fingernails is a sign that your ego wishes to annihilate pride for whatever you have achieved in that moment and it feels threatened by. While the content of your thoughts change, the train of thought is always almost the same. You look at your achievement and find simple things you do not like about it. You start to criticise yourself almost inaudibly. You pick at yourself, find imperfections, failures etc. Those are not strong feelings. You do not tear yourself apart. The ego rather uses a torrent of little things, that whittle away at your self esteem. It is this that makes it so incredibly dangerous. Each thought on its own, seems so very reasonable. But all these thoughts, one after the other pack quite a punch. You start to mistrust your most basic feelings, the simplest things you feel you have achieved. It makes you feel lonely and insecure.

This course of action so important to your ego, because your intuitive ability is very strong. When you do trust yourself you are able to guide a client almost sleepwalking, taking him by his hand and showing him the way to the light. Intuition needs trust in oneself. Intuition is nothing but trust in one self. Trust that the feelings and thoughts and insights that do happen are guided and not arbitrary. And believe in guidance diminishes the ego.

So when you do find yourself wanting to bite your nails, it would be a good moment to take a pen and paper and write down what you are feeling now and what you have just achieved for yourself. It is important to write it down, the very instant, for the ego is going to try to take you on a downward spiral, trying to eliminate your self respect and your enjoyment of your current feelings. Write them down before the ego gets a chance to pick them apart. Its no good to say “I will write them down later”, because until then your perception will have deteriorated. The feat is not to try to stop the negative thoughts, for you do not have the power for that. You do not have power over ego, for it is incredibly sly. The power you do have is remembering the feeling you have, when you write it down that very instant. Lines like: “I feel good because I got my washing done”, “I feel good because I found time to go for a walk”, “I feel good because I’m not afraid”, etc. When you feel bad again, you can compare your current feelings to the feelings you have written down.

You are then free to choose. Choose the view you have acquired over the past couple hours or choose the view that was yours, when you were biting your nails. This is a forgiveness process. Forgiveness means you allow to sit yourself with it for a while. Read what you have written and let it sink into your soul. Just wait for relieve to come. Do not push it. Forgiveness means allowing the way that god sees you into your heart. And he sees you as an amazing, luminous being, that simply blows the confines of your current imagination.